For whatever reason this is a hard entry to write. Maybe it is because I still harbor a lot of ill feelings because of how hurtful reactions can be, even when they are meant to be helpful. It could be because no matter how many years go by I will always have to deal with those same reactions.
My reaction was easy, I was going to carry on with my pregnancy as normal as possible. I was not going to do anything drastic, I was not going to run out right away and make funeral arrangements. I firmly believed that God was going to allow me to carry my son to term, despite the doom and gloom the Dr.'s seemed to have. I would start working on creating memories, as many as I could. I received Bennett's diagnosis about 2 weeks before Christmas, so I knew I wanted to pick out a special ornament for him. I also knew I wanted a 3D ultrasound, I wanted to read him stories and sing him songs. I got a journal and started writing to him and about him. I wanted to document and remember everything about my pregnancy. I just didn't know what I would have once he was born, so I wanted all I could while he was still growing in the safe cocoon that was my belly. My reactions were easy to me, just do everything I could to remain positive and enjoy whatever time I was given to the fullest. It is truly when I get the reactions of others, I start to struggle.
I am still grateful to this day for the LPN that was at the Pasco Health Clinic in Port Richey, she was so incredibly supportive. Her reaction was simple and wonderful, do the best she could to give me excellent care and support. She would let me listen extra long to Bennett's heartbeat (even when he was being impossible and running away from the monitor). She even went the extra mile when we brought in Build-A-Bear recorders to record Bennett's heartbeat. She kept finding the perfect spot for excellent clarity until we had beautiful recordings of Bennett's heartbeat. The reaction of the counselor at the Health Clinic was nothing short of amazing. She wanted to do everything she could to ensure I was well cared for and treated with the up most respect. She even went through great lengths to get a meeting set up for me with a neonatologist at Tampa General Hospital. It felt nice to have such a receptive group of women taking care of me. They cared so much and let me know so frequently how proud they were to be a part of Bennett's life. There were a lot of these reactions. There were so many who came around my family and I and showered us with love and support. There were those that prayed with us for peace and comfort, who stood with me in the belief that God could heal Bennett, but held my hand with the realization that if he didn't I would have to say good bye to my son. There were those that held us when we cried and rejoiced with us when we were overwhelmed with the joy of life. I am so grateful to each and everyone one of these people, who reached out when someone needed them, not with their words but with their actions. I know that no one can truly understand this without going through it but there were those that recognized that. Those that did not try to understand or fix but were simply present. Present to give whatever support was needed at that time.
Then there was another set of reactions, the ones that still bring fire to my belly. I cannot tell you the amount of asinine comments I had to endure. I am hoping by sharing some of this that if you are ever faced with a situation and you truly don't know what to say, that you are dumbfounded by the sheer thought of the situation a person is going through you will do one simple thing: SAY NOTHING! Saying nothing and putting your arm around someone can take the place of a million comments. The truth is, while those comments are usually meant out of care and compassion they tend to create just the opposite, pain. As my amazing friend and mommy to an angel Heather says "If it starts with 'At least' don't say it!". Examples would include; "At least you are still young" "At least you can still have other children" "At least you know ahead of time"- Get the drift? None of these comments are helpful, they are hurtful. Nothing will take away the fact that I am losing a child! Any comment that remotely resembles judgement could be kept to oneself also. Examples; "Are you sure you want to carry a baby that is going to die?" "Don't speak that it is going to happen over the baby, claim that God has healed him" "You should just act and believe as if God has already healed him" "Praying for time and accepting the diagnosis is like telling God you don't believe he can heal your son"... Those are to just name a few. I could go on for days with that one. If you want to support someone, support them. Unless they are making a decision that is putting themselves or others in danger don't judge that decision, accept it. After all it their personal decision. I'm pretty sure if anytime someone complained about money I just told them "Don't claim that over yourself, God will make you rich, believe it has already happened!" they would look at me like I am crazy. Accepting and preparing myself for my son leaving me is reality and I can promise it is NOT denying that God can heal. I guess that is what frustrates me the most, I prayed so hard for God to heal Bennett, but I also prayed that if he didn't to grant me certain things, which he did. How am I wrong to pray that? I feel that I would have been no better than an ostrich with his head in the sand if I would have continued on acting as if nothing was potentially wrong with Bennett. What good would that have done me?
The final reactions I am going to address is probably the ones that hurt the most. The first reaction is that my situation was about how it affected "them". Being told that I cannot talk about the life growing inside me at the family Christmas breakfast because it would "bother" my extended family killed me. It was the most awkward situation I have ever been in, and believe me I have been in some doozies. Talk about an elephant in the room, I had just gotten Bennett's diagnosis. Apparently it being too hard on the extended family to talk about meant I better pretend like nothing is going on. I mean seriously, it was all I wanted to talk about! Truthfully I wanted them to talk about it too. I wanted my extended family to recognize that I was pregnant with my son, recognize that no matter what the circumstance that he was going to be born! My sister-in-law at the time running out of my baby shower in tears because she just couldn't handle it and it made her too sad killed me. Every time someone made what I was going through about them, it hurt me so much. I was the one going through the situation, I was the one who was going to lost my baby. Not them, they had children, they had living, beautiful children. The second reaction is the ridiculous questions with feigned pity. First off, if you don't understand what is happening with my son, fine, but think before you ask. If you have to start a question with "I hope this doesn't offend you BUT" FOR THE LOVE OF GOD DO NOT ASK IT!!!!! Have some sensitivity!!!!!!!! Take a moment to think, "If I were going through this situation would I want someone to ask me this question?". Then after the questions is asked, and my offense is obvious, the look of pity, "Poor thing going through this...." Look buddy you just made it worse! Don't have pity on me after you hurt me!
Enough of all that. I hate to focus on the negative and again I reiterate that hopefully by me spelling out some of these reactions someone somewhere will think before they act and another mommy going through a hard time can be spared some additional pain. I will end with these words of wisdom... "If you can't say something nice, don't say nothin' at all", Thumper from Bambi.
