The Research

The drive to my doctor's office from the ultrasound facility was an emotional roller coaster. I had never felt so out of control, so lost and desperate. I remember hysterically crying, to the point that I almost couldn't breath. Even now when someone tells me how strong I am or how courageous I was, I go back to that moment. I didn't feel very strong then, and I still don't now. My Mom called a very close friend of the family, Gayle, and handed me the phone. Gayle sternly reminded me that I was still carrying my child, that they were still dependant on me, that my little one could feel my hurt and sense my anguish. When I heard those words something inside of me snapped. Gone was the fretting, out of control, sobbing Tabitha, in her place was resolution. I realized that it didn't matter what the outcome was going to be or if what I had just heard was true, what mattered was that I had the opportunity to be the best Mommy I could be, and that meant drying my tears, calming my nerves and letting the adrenaline leave my body. I would face this, I would go home and find out what anencephaly really meant. I calmly walked into the doctor's office and made my Level II ultrasound appointment.


Once I got home I fervently scoured the internet for information. What was anencephaly? What did it mean? What was the real prognosis? If I could only give one piece of advice to another Mother facing an anencephaly diagnosis it would be this: DO NOT UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCE WASTE YOUR TIME ON THE WIKIPEDIA ENTRY ABOUT ANENCEPHALY. I was horrified, I felt so guilty, but I was. My baby would look like an alien, deformed and strange. My baby would be a vegetable, if my baby survived it would be a tragic existence. No smiles, no coos, no movement. My heart was breaking, this just couldn't be. It just is not possible the little person growing inside me, kicking me, hiding from the heartbeat monitor, could be born as described.


I refused to believe what I read, so I kept searching. I started to find blogs, groups and stories of other babies with anencephaly. Stories of life, of hope, not of death and tragedy. Stories of babies who lived for minutes, hours, days, weeks, months and even years surrounded by love. Stories of babies who cooed, smiled, cried and snored. I was amazed! I knew that no matter what I would never choose to end my baby's life, even if I only got seconds I would treasure them, even if I lost my little one early I would make the most of every moment my baby was alive inside my womb, tethered to life through me. As long as my little one was in my womb, there was life until God decided it was time. I found a small granule of peace, I could make it through the next day, I could make it through the Level II ultrasound.


I remember going to church that night, my heart heavy with worry. I plead with God during praise and worship, please let them find a mistake tomorrow, if this baby is ill, heal them completely right now. It would be wonderful if we could all just get what we want, right when we want it, but sometimes God answers our prayers in other ways. Through my tears and broken heart I heard him whisper in my ear that this was his plan, that he held my little baby in his hand, that he formed this child perfectly and the scripture James 1:17 was pressed upon my heart. "Every good and perfect gift is from above and comes down from the Father of lights, with whom there is no variation or shadow of turning." At that moment in my heart of hearts I knew God saw fit to answer my prayers with preparation. I knew, and I have had some disagree with me on this, that I would not receive the news I really wanted that next day. I knew that my little baby was going to be diagnosed with anencephaly BUT I also knew that my child was my perfect gift, that the Lord had given this baby to me, and that he would be there, carrying me every step of the way. I think we all can think of a defining point in our lives when we really laid ourselves down, this was mine. I knew that if I placed this at his feet, that he would be there, he would carry my burdens, he would give me rest and allow me to be filled with joy! He would guide me, he would be consistent, he would never change and never will change. I felt peace, I knew that no matter what I was told at that Level II ultrasound, God was there!